Investigative REPORT by Speedcat Hollydale

Do You See What I See?

97 COMMENTS

Sidewinders in my Covered Wagon

Travlin` all up an down these wagon trails is lonesome, and I find that many days my best friend is a tumble weed. They roll on by and listen pretty good for a spell or two. I thought I might park my wagon on Sunday and play some golf with the fellers, but NO. Gotsa keep rollin on through the canyon again all day long through rattle snake country. Damn sidewinders piss me off! Sometimes I have a partner ridin shotgun, and we shoot stuff just for the hell of it. No, nuthin` cute or alive (except for sidewinders). I am about at the end of my rope with this dusty trail ridin. Shoot ... I been workin 14 hour days since May 20th. What a crock a shit !! A man can go crazy out here, and that's no lie. Good thing I can go back in the bunk and Twitter a bunch to all my partners out there in cyberspace. I might be tellin` a line or two in the next few days - OVER. Big 10-4 from the Hollydale Covered Wagon Lines of the Great North West.

If you see any sidewinders (or dispatchers) ... shoots em dead, and tell em SpeedyCat sent cha.

Speedcat Hollydale is the 40-ish Year Old Virgin

Speedcat Hollydale: Yah ... so I have not really had any luck meeting woman. I have had them as friends, but never in a romantic setting.

Cal: The problem most men have is they don't know how to talk to women. Maybe you need to take lessons from a pro, like David Hasselhoffers.

Speedcat Hollydale: That's a stooopid idea Cal. The right girl will come along for me ... someday

Trish: Um... how you doing? I work across the street. How would you like to go out this weekend??

Speedcat Hollydale: (pops a woody)

Trish: Well, how about and answer? ... or are you just going to stand there like an idiot?

Speedcat Hollydale: Ohhh, yeah, sorry. I was watching a dream sequence in my brain for a moment there. uhhh - sure, that would be great!

Trish: Alright then, pick me up at seven.

Speedcat Hollydale: If you don't mind, I will pick you up at six. How about a kiss to seal the deal!??

Trish: OK then ......... (lots of Frenching noises)

Cal: This is a sign of the Apocalypse - I just know it. Good luck Speedcat.

Speedcat Hollydale: Don't need luck Cal, this blog is written by me, so I can end this story any way I like.

Trish: Speedcat, I am going to tear you up, you nerdy pile of belly button lint ...


EPILOGUE

Mooj: This is bull! Every time I make a sale, you go crying to Paula. How about ... how about Paula Abdul? Oh, Paula, she needs a call...

Jay: I'm sick of you poaching my customers.

Mooj: I'm sick of your cry-baby crap. Do you like Blueberry Buckle??


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Speedcat Hollydale Home Office Public Statement (4 U)

While I usually try to keep track of what is going on at this blog and return comments, the last week has been a bit tornado like. My focus was lost, and I have no idea where to start from now. In these situations I always revert to my most in-grained personality trait ... random chaos! (Takes notes and crumples them into a ball) OK - Starting over here in Hollydale. Tap me on the back if I forgot something.

Where is Hollydale?

If there is one question I hear all the time, it's "Where is Hollydale and what is it like?" Well, take a little stroll with me down to the local bar!

I quit drinking some time ago, but still head down to the Hollydale Tavern once in a while because of the great food and the lively atmosphere. Many of the town's most prominent business people and city officials are found there on a regular basis too.
These photos were taken during the lunch rush, so the restaurant side of the place was booming, and the bar was still closed. In Hollydale it is a city ordinance that liquor cannot be poured in a public establishment until after 3:00 PM
I know, this sounds strange, but Hollydale was a "dry" city until the late 70's
The best thing in the world is a giant half pound Hollydale Burger. Once you have had one of these beauties ... you will be forever changed. The fries are so good that ketchup is an option! Prices are still decent compared to many other parts of the nation, as five dollars will get you chow and a drink to boot.
This will be installment number one in my new "What the Heck is Hollydale" series that will run every Thursday. Next week will highlight the Hollydale Drug Store built way back in 1897.

Strange things at the Hollydale Seed and Feed

I had heard some crazy rumors buzzing in town about the Hollydale Seed & Feed. Some claim that aliens were dropping of cargo, and farmers using the products were having cows change into vigilante chickens, and so forth. I of course assumed these rumors were all coming from the town gossip, Adalina Forsencuppens. She was the one who told everyone in Hollydale that I am a really bad kisser, and ruined my dating life in the past few months. Sure, my frenching skills are not the best, but who frenches on the first date anyway? I have standards you know.
Well, because my dog Mardy was out of food, and my afternoon "date" cancelled on me (AGAIN) ... I decided to head on down to the Purina outlet and see for myself what the heck was going on. All seemed to be pretty run of the mill as I drove my 1977 ElCamino into the lot. The usual folks were there, and Shirly Titalbaken was running the cash register. She dumped me last week, but I had gotten over that already.
THAT IS WHEN THINGS GOT WEIRD !!! I looked over to the right and Hollydale Lake was free of fish houses, and open water was present. This was probably because of the UFO thrusters. WHAT ! .... a UFO, good cats! The alien craft swooped over the shoreline, and then hovered right over the feed and seed. Shirly Titalbaken waved it in with two glow sticks from Kemper Drugs in town. This was getting good.
After the drop off was made, I investigated with sleuth-like prowess. There were many clues, but none better than the space grains now in the harvest containers. Curious, I tries a bite or two, and then found my body was morphing into a GIANT HUMANOIDOUS ERECTUS. Now 78 feet tall and full of energy, I hopped in the roof of the Hollydale Seed and Feed to whoop and hollar. It was fun, I must admit having towns people taking photos and pointing up at me. Of course, I used this "golden moment" to prove once and for all that I am NOT really bad at Frenching. I have a date tonight with a 67 foot tall woman that lives in the next county ... so do not expect to find me out blogging till after 11:00 PM.

Speedcat Hollydale Blog Blown to Smithereens

So, I have been bothering asking my animation expert friend DCR to blow up my blog for some time ... especially after seeing Teeni and Deborah's blogs blown to smithereens. I just read What Speedcat Has Been Begging For! and found my dreams had been turned to reality, and uploaded to You Tube.
Check this out, and have the sound turned UP !

Chocolates, Roses, Yadda Yadda

Valentines ... love it or hate it, here it comes. Personally, I hate the "expectation" type holiday. Nobody can tell me to get all lovie dovie. Of course, their are some out there who must produce on this day, or pay for it later. Here is my guide to goodie lovin` for the novice and whipped ball and chainers.


First off, if you are shallow and have a big pocketbook, just by a ton of roses and gold earrings. Women claim to want love and compassion, but there is not one alive that will not melt like butter on a hot-plate when finding a room full of roses. This is in their genetic code.

Second, for all the new bee lovers that think life is a romance fest of bliss, here are some pointers to keep in your pocket until reality sets in!

1. Speak softly, and look into your woman's eyes. Tell her, "I never knew I could be so happy, my whole life has changed for the better because you are in it".

2. Give her a big hug and say, "I could hold you forever"

3. Take the day off work, and go to all of her favorite places. Pretend to be really captivated and enthusiastic!!!

Of course, the gushy sweet letter or poem is always a real winner. Write it with so much compassion that you fear dying of embarrassment if the guys at work found it.

DO ADD THESE STATEMENTS

I love you
You are so beautiful
Thank you
Be my Valentine
... for the most wonderful woman in the world

DO NOT ADD THESE STATEMENTS

You are as hot as Paris Hilton
I will do the same if we are together next year
I always liked women that were kind of dirty
This gift certificate is good for 6 months
Glad you started wearing more make-up

Here's a suggestion!!


Your lips I kiss, and soar across the skies
Each day with you is brighter
The angels must have been on my shoulder
because it seems like heaven near you
This day is special ... I must be the luckiest man alive Valentines day is for lovers, thank God you are by my side

If I had one day to spend, and then leave this Earth ...
it would be holding you, my princess, my best friend, and my world

NOW ... tell me the ladies did not like that!! Not bad, especially because I wrote it to my monitor screen. Ohh my sweet computer, let me count the keys on your motherboard.

As my own personal Valentine's day gift, here is a romantic song for dancing after dinner, performed by yours truly. It is a sure fire way to really light some passionate sparks and heat up the night. You can even take a copy to your blog for use on February 14th.


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Good luck everyone, and Happy Valentines from SpeedyCat

Mobile Uploads

All of these were taken with my camera phone except ONE ... can you guess which photo is the added bonus?

Five Boobs & Tractor Tunes Hit the Target

Big news today? Yep, the past Presidents all got together for a nice lunch. Here they are getting their pictures taken before going to the White House cafeteria.
Obama meets his predecessors VIDEO

The photo above is a Speedcat Hollydale Page exclusive, and ONLY seen here ... until someone steals it. I only ask for a link in return (because I am dropping in the Technorati rankings)
Please take a copy and link me, won't you??

From my hidden tape recorder, I was also able to get an "insider transcript" from this momentous occasion.

Bush: Daddy, will you please cut my meat?

Bush SR: Sure son

Obama: You have GOT to be kidding! .... will you cut mine too?

Jimmy: Cut mine, and can I get a bowl of peanuts?

Barbara: MEN! ... "Hi Bill "

Clinton: Say Barbie ... you look juicy as the meat!

Obama: Here Here!!

EVERYONE: ((laughter))

Bush: I probably should not laugh at that, but it was funny

Bush SR: WHACK!!!!!! [smacks George upside the head]

Bush: I am on way to many medications for THAT to hurt daddy

Obama: Let's eat already. Hope you all enjoy this, because I am NOT inviting you all back when I take office

EVERYONE: ((silence))

Obama: Just kidding! .... next time let's invite Sting

EVERYONE: ((applause))



I know what you are thinking, "That's nice, but what did Speedcat do today??"

Well, I went to work, then to Target to get a digital TV converter box. Then I sang some tunes on a big CAT Diesel, then I went to dinner. After eating, I ran around the restaurant to burn off some calories. Right now, I am Blogging.