Sports Jokes Part I

Why did the golfers run away from the golf game?
Because there was a Tiger (Tiger Woods) in the lead!

Why did Tarzan get kicked out of the golf game?
Because he screamed with every swing!

What does Tarzan like at a golf course?
He is there to perfect his swing!

Why can’t you play sports in the jungle?
Because there are Cheetahs!

Why are basketball players bad at eating?
They always dribble!

Why does a golfer bring an extra pair of pants to a golf game?
In case he gets a ‘hole-in-one’!

Why was Cinderella such a bad sportswoman?
Her coach was a pumpkin!

What’s the difference between a dog and a basketball player?
One drools, the other dribbles!

Why did the girls’ soccer team dump Cinderella?
She ran away from the ball!

Why aren't the Socceroos allowed to own a dog?
Because they can't hold on to a lead!

Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Why are fish never good Tennis players?
They don't like getting close to the net.

How did the basketball court get wet?
The players dribbled all over it!

Why did the chicken get sent off?
For persistent fowl play!

Why should you be careful playing against a team of big cats?
They might be cheetahs!

Where do religious school children practice sports?
In the prayground!

Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
It was a cup draw!

Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
The bored room!

Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty!

Manager: Our new midfielder cost ten million. I call him our wonder player
Fan: Why's that?
Manager: Everytime he plays I wonder why I bothered to buy him!

Why do artists never when they play football?
They keep drawing!

Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?
So that they can pack the defence!

Where do old bowling balls end up?
In the gutter!

Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?
Player: I finished it in three days!

What part of a football pitch smells nicest?
The scenter spot!

What's the chilliest ground in the premiership?
Cold Trafford!

How did the footbal pitch end up as triangle?
Somebody took a corner!

Why didn't the dog want to play football?
It was a boxer!

What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
The champire!

Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
Paul gas coin!

Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time?
Young player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time!

Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?
Captain: Well, it could have been worse.
Manager: How?
Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!
What did the footballer say when he accidentally burped during a game?
Sorry, it was a freak hic! (free kick)

Why are football grounds odd?
Because you can sit in the stands but can't stand in the sits!

What do you get if you drop a piano on a team's defence?
A flat back four!

Why did the goal post get angry?
Because the bar was rattled!

What is the bank manager's favourite type of football?
Fiver side!

What part of a football ground is never the same?
The changing rooms!

What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs!

Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an award.
It's an appointment!

Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
They got jellygated!

Which insect didn't play well in goal?
The fumble bee!

What did the bumble bee striker say?
Hive scored!

What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
A Collingwood fan rolling down a hill!

What are Brazilian fans called?
Brazil nuts!

Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
He was the skipper!

How do hens encourage their football teams?
They egg them on!

What lights up a football stadium?
A football match!

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
Cornflakes!

Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
Because there is no atmosphere!

Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
Webley stadium!

When fish play football, who is the captain?
The team's kipper!

Ref: I'm sending you off
Player: What for?
Ref: The rest of the match!

Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
They tend to go cheep!

What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
Beans on post!

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!

What's tennis players favourite city?
Volley wood!

How does a physicist exercise?
By pumping ion!

Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student?
Because education pays off in the long run!

What is a runner's favourite subject in school?
Jog-raphy!

What does Paul Inces mum make for Christmas?
Ince pies!

What does a footballer and a magician have in common?
Both do hat tricks!

Which football team loves ice-cream?
Aston Vanilla!

Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
All of them, a crossbar can't jump!

Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
They prefer cricket matches!

What stories are told by basketball players?
Tall stories!

Who won the race between two balls of string?
They we're tied!

Why are football players never asked for dinner?
Because they're always dribbling!

Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
Because he liked sole music!

What tea do footballers drink?
Penaltea!

Where do footballers dance?
At a football!

Sports Jokes Part 2

Its the first game of the Soccer World Cup, Brazil v Scotland.
Ronaldo says to his team mates 'this should be easy, you lot go down the pub and i will play them on my own'.
So all the others go down the pub and watch the game on the TV.
After 3 minutes ..GOAL.. its Brazil 1 Scotland 0...Ronaldo 3min.
They decide to switch off the TV and enjoy the drinking. After the game they switched back on to find the final score Brazil 1 Scotland 1. Ferguson had scored in the 89th minute.
'Not too bad' said the brazil team,' he has done really well by himself'.
10 minutes later Ronaldo walked into the pub and started to apologise. 'Not to worry you done really well by yourself' 'no no i really let u down' Ronaldo said. 'I got sent off after 12 minutes'.

One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed." The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the West Coast Eagles game and you'll see." The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game. The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Eagles score, my dog does flips." The Eagles keep scoring goals (6 points) and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Eagless score a behind (1 point)?" asked the bartender. The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs. And the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my freakin' ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me!"

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing nobody around, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at a pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him couldn't help but notice the large bulge.
"What's that?" she asked, pointing at his shorts.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh my gosh," said the girl sympathetically... ,that must be very painful . . . . I had tennis elbow once!"

Socceroos goalkeeper Mark Schwarzer was walking along a street one day when he heard screams from a nearby building. He looked up to see smoke billowing from a fourth-floor window and a woman leaning out holding a baby.
"Help ! Help!" screamed the woman, "I need someone to catch my baby!"
A crowd of onlookers had gathered, but none was confident about catching a baby dropped from such a great height. Then Schwarzer, stepped forward. "I'm the Number 1 goalie of the Socceroos," he called to the woman. "I'm renowned for my safe hands. Drop the baby and I will catch it. For me, it will be just like catching a ball."
The woman agreed. "Ok, then. When I drop my baby, treat it as if you were catching a ball."
On a count of three, the woman dropped the baby. Everyone held their breath as Mark Schwarzer lined himself up to catch it. There was a huge sigh of relief, followed by wild cheering as Schwarzer caught the baby safely in his arms. Then he bounced it twice on the ground and kicked it 50 yards down the street.


During Perth Glory's pre-season training, one of their strikers married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star striker, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand."
"That's right, Coach," replied the striker. "But, she's much better!"

Alexander Potter was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen.
One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a cricket match, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the television set.
"Hey," Alex shouted, "what do you think you're doing? I am sick of sports, and I'm sick of TV," his wife replied. "You haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"
"Okay, Okay. So..." After a moment, he asked, "How often do you think Ricky Ponting gets laid?"

A teacher asks her students if they're Essendon fans.
All of the hands go up except for one student. "Okay, Bobby. What team are you a fan of?"
"Collingwood" Bobby replies.
"Why's that?" asks the teacher.
"Well, my parents are both Collingwood fans, so I'm a Collingwood fan too." he reples.
"That's not a good answer, Bobby. If your parents were both morons, would you be a moron too?" the teacher asks.
Bobby replies, "No, that would make me an Essendon fan!"

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.
Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Mate" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"I can't even understand what you are saying." says the old man.
"The boy replies, "You have to kepp the worms warm."

Who's the Mightiest of the Jungle?

The Lion was walking through the forest and saw a mouse come along. Asserting his dominance the Lion lets out a mighty roar and screams, "WHO'S THE KING OF ALL THE LAND?!"
The mouse cowers in fear and says, "You all mighty lion..."
The lion is pleased and says, "You may live."
Soon after a monkey comes walking, and the...(tharr be more) Lion again lets out a mighty roar, "WHO'S THE KING OF ALL THE LAND"
The monkey cries in fright, but manages to say, "You all mighty lion..."
The lion is pleased and says, "You may live."
Next an elephant comes walking along. The Lion puffs himself up and lets out a mighty roar and yells, "WHO'S THE KING OF ALL THE LAND."
The elephant grabs the lion with his trunk tosses him repeatedly in the air, bangs him against some trees. Tosses him against a rock, stomps on him and walks off.
The Lion looks at the elephant and says, "Just because you don't know the answer doesn't mean you gotta get so upset."

Voices from the Past: Bill Bryan, Bagley's Lure Designer (1989)

This week in Voices from the Past we feature a great article by outdoor writer Fred David and published in The Syracuse Herald-Journal on 20 June 1989. In this article, entitled "Bryan Enjoys the Lure of Fishing," we get a pretty unique glimpse into the nature of the final years of Bagley's history. In particular, we get the insight of Bill Bryan, Bagley's lead lure developer in the later part of the 1980s. He developed some neat lures, including the Grass Rat and the Smoo.

Bryan Enjoys the Lure of Fishing
By Fred David

When Bill Bryan invents a new lure, he shows it to Upstate New York fish for the final stamp of approval.

Our Yankee walleyes and black bass have always smacked their lips with delight, but felt the sting of Bryan's keen sense of what it takes to fool Mother Nature.

The Winter Haven, Fla., lure-maker visited the St. Lawrence River, Oneida Lake and several smaller lakes and ponds over the weekend and caught more than 100 bass, up to 6 pounds, on his latest creation — the Grass Rat.

The top-water lure will be introduced at the annual American Fishing Tackle Manufacturer's trade show in July and be available to retail outlets in early August.

The Grass Rat's size, shape and action is being kept under wraps. Fishermen can be assured it's not another rubber rat-shaped lure, but it skims seductively over the thickest of weeds without a weedless hook.


The retired high school principal and 18-year varsity football coach in Bartow, Fla., has always made the most of lures he fished. The central Florida lakes and swamp canals were his testing sites. Although he always caught plenty of fish with the lures, he never tried to market them.

It wasn't until he retired that Winter Haven lure baron Jim Bagley hired him for promotions and his lure-making savvy. During Bryan's six years at Bagley Bait Co., he has created six new lures. His most famous is the Smoo, a modern version of the Flatfish, one of the first commercial crankbaits. The Smoo got its name because it looks like the animal in the comic strip Lil' Abner.

Bryan is so confident in the Smoo, he'll pit your best lure against the Smoo for the most expensive steak in town. He's already outfished two of Oneida Lake's best walleye and bass anglers with the banana-shaped lure.

Another popular creation was last year's Tall Walker, a cigar-shaped surface plug that caught more than 200 large- and smallmouth bass during the opener of bass season on Oneida Lake.

Lures are invented to meet a specific purpose, Bryan said. The Grass Rat came about because Floridians fish lakes and phosphate pits that become weed-choked by midsummer. Without something that will skim over the thick cover

Everybody wants to be a lure inventor, he said. A week doesn't go by that a phone call or a letter brings a new opportunity for Bagley's to buy a "new" lure or get an offer to manufacture a lure for the inventor.

The conversations or letters go something like this, Bryan said, quick and to the point: "I have invented a fishing lure and I have it patented. I would like you to manufacture it. How much will you pay me?"

"Before the second sentence begins, I already know the guy is lying. Nobody patents a lure, it costs too much money," Bryan said. "If the lure is good enough, nobody will be able to duplicate it and there's no need for a patent."

Bryan continues, "If you think the world is in need of another lure and that you'll get rich, you can forget it. I've invented six lures in the first six years at Bagley and I draw a paycheck every two weeks. Without it, I would starve. You don't make money inventing lures."

Most of the callers pause, and say they just want the lure to bring them an income, not to get rich.

"Explain to me what makes your lure different than any one on the market, other than the fact that you made it?" Bryan queries.

A standard answer, "It leaves a string of bubbles!"

"What does that do?"

"It attracts fish!"

"What facts to you have to make sure that instead it doesn't scare the fish? You need something more than a string of bubbles to make it a good lure. By the way, a hundred lures are already on the market that make bubbles."

Bryan doesn't discourage the inventor but explains the lure market is very difficult. Anyone can invent a lure because fish will bite anything, he said. It might take years, but you can get fish to bite a pencil with a hook on it.

"Lure manufacturers are looking for lures that catch fish consistently. They don't have to look like lures, just catch fish," he said.

When Bryan offers to look at the lure, most inventors never send, them. And the ones that do get forwarded are horrendous, he said.

No lure that Bagley has rejected has turned up elsewhere on the market, Bryan said.

But Bagley doesn't discourage fishermen from trying to discover a new fish-catcher. The Smoo almost got Bryan fired. When Bagley first saw the lure, he looked disgusted, said it would never work and told him to abandon the idea.

Bryan persisted and was warned again.

"I waited until Jim went out of town to work on it because I was close, but couldn't get the lathe to shape the lure," he said.

Bryan succeeded and the Smoo hit $1.2 million in sales the first year. It's the first Bagley lure to hit over a million dollars in sales the first year.

A nifty look at the final years of the Jim Bagley Bait Company, through it's head lure designer's eyes!

-- Dr. Todd

Jakeof

News of the Week: 30 August 2010

Don't have time to read 50+ fishing and tackle collecting blogs and web sites? Well, let us do it for you! Follow all of the latest news, articles, and stories on our Whitefishpress Twitter account! Hint: You don't need to be a member...just bookmark the Twitter Feed Page or click on latest links to the right!

EPA opts to NOT ban lead...14 year old much better angler than you, catches record mahi...Indiana fishing writer hangs it up...a Quincy bait shop hides some gems...Eddie Bauer history...the fly tying elite meets in Jersey...what catches more trout, lures or bait?...17 year old gets fishing wish granted...sharking in the Celtic Sea...Filipino breaks world record...Mike Hart's cheating is still causing controversy...record Sockeye run has scientists baffled...trying to replace Two Tone in Britain...Wisconsin angler hooks, lands, releases a coyote...it must be THE NEWS OF THE WEEK!

The Big Lead: EPA rejects calls to ban lead in fishing tackle, ammo.

14 year old much better angler than you, catches record 59 pound Mahi.


Indiana fishing writer hangs up his rod and reel.

This Quincy bait shop hides some hidden gems.


A little history of Eddie Bauer.


Bill Ward says old lures still have appeal.

In Jersey, fly tying elite share ideas.

These old veterans hook a few new fishing stories.


Joe Mosby says fishing gear over the years has changed.

What is a better bait for trout: lures or bait?

A 17-year old gets his fishing wish granted.

Sharking in the Celtic Sea.


This man from Ellensburg can really fish.


After three years, fishing feel pretty darn good.

A Filipino breaks a world record on a shoestring.

Arthur Roca, South Coast fishing legend, passes away.


Suspicion lingers in the wake of the Mike Hart bass fishing scandal.


This Van Staal is a terrific fishing reel with a great history.


This Bluegill is a record catch.


Where to find trophy cats.


Why the record sockeye run has scientists baffled.


Expert anglers are looking for the next potential record British carp.


6 year oldf better angler than you, catches first Cobia.


Finishing with a Flourish: Wisconsin angler hooks, lands, and releases...a coyote? Wait...what?



-- Dr. Todd

1000 Words

1000 Words

Today we have a neat photo from 1940 of some nice trout from Moosehead Lake in the Rangeley region of Maine. The photo is of a famous angler and tackle merchant--can you guess who it is? Hint -- if you open the image in a separate window, you'll find the name of the angler in the image's name!



-- Dr. Todd

Every picture tells a story story. . . . .

The event was billed as "nonpolitical," and Beck steered clear of the partisan commentary that has made him a hero to many conservatives and a nemesis to many on the left. But political overtones were unmistakable, and the rally drew a large crowd - including many who said they were new to activism - that was energized and motivated to act.

LINK

Trapped (twenty seven words)



Held against will, rooftop floodwater, mine collapse

Prison, poverty, more



Please send help



Resignation, twisted hope

Broken, determination



King "I am not free 'less all are free"



By Phil Specht on August 28, 2010

Deconstructiing Old Ads: The History of Outdoor Life in Covers

The History of Outdoor Life in Covers
 
Magazine covers have always been a form of advertising. They are an attempt to get you to buy the magazine. I thought it would be interesting to look at the covers of several "outdoor" magazines and how they have changed over the years. We will start this week with Outdoor Life.
 
The first cover shown is from April, 1917. Outdoor Life was known in the early days as the "Sportsman's Magazine of the West." The magazine is in the small format that most magazines of the day were in. The Cover is not spectacular but shows that Outdoor Life was moving away from strictly trout fishing. This issue contained articles of bass fishing, bass fishing plugs and pike fishing. The price was 15 cents


 Cover number two is from the August, 1918 issue. The magazine is now in the large format and features a cover and articles on saltwater fishing. This cover painting by H. L. Hastings is one of the most unusual magazine covers I've seen of that period. The price has risen to 20 cents a copy.
 

Cover number three is from April, 1930 and features a painting that has appeared in countless forms and venues over the years. It is the young boy with cane pole and worms being offered cash for his catch from the nattily attired and outfitted sportsman who has not had a successful day fishing..
 

Cover number four is from July 1932. About this time Outdoor Life began a series of cover painting that are my personal favorites. This one seems to me to be the "ideal" in magazine covers and I never get tired of looking at it. Though things were going downhill fast in 1932 with advent of the Great Depression, the magazine was still 25 cents.
 

Cover number five is from May 1942, five months after Pearl Harbor. There are few ads indicating that war production had started and most outdoor suppliers were advertising full force. For Outdoor Life this is one of the earliest uses of a photograph rather than a painting as a cover. This cover has to be a favorite among lure collectors. The price of the magazine has dropped to 15 cents reflecting realities of the depression.
 

Cover number 6 is from July, 1944, one month after D-day. The majority of tackle and outdoor equipment ads tell us that their company will be making more tackle, outboard motors, ammunition, etc when the war is over but for now they are going full strength on "war production" for Uncle Sam. The price is back up to 25 cents an issue.
 

Cover number seven is from April, 1956. A great uncluttered cover reminiscent of the Saturday Evening Post covers of the day. The price is still 25 cents, but the magazine is close to 200 pages in length and crammed with advertising that reflects the booming economy of the mid 1950's.
 

Our final cover comes a few months later in August of 1956. This is a personal favorite of mine as it is the first copy of Outdoor Life I ever owned. I was 12 years old when my dad purchased a copy for me when we were standing by a magazine rack in a drug store. It led to a lifetime of enjoyment of outdoor books and magazines. I was trying to figure out how to catch a bass in those day and the magazine contained an article by Don Shiner entitled "Calabogie Bass" which told the story of an unsuccessful bass fishing trip that was saved when it was discovered that attaching pieces of rubber balloons to the hooks of lures made them irresistible. I immediately went to the dime store and stocked my small tackle box with a lifetime supply of rubber balloons in all colors!



-- Bill Sonnett 

to the most patient farmer . . . .

Ally's Mommy writes:

Friday, August27, 2010

We had a great day at the zoo today.

The Quiche! The Quiche!

The Friday Funhouse

The Video of the Week
The Asian Carp strike back!


Asian Carp Storm Fishermen's Boat - Watch more Funny Videos

Things I Would Buy If Only I Could Afford Them
This A&F Passport rod is a real sweetheart.


This Shapleigh Ultra Casting minnow in a wood box is just an incredible, incredible bait!


A Seamartin made of wood is a super rare spinning reel.



This Coast to Coast minnow bucket has attracted tremendous interest!


A CCBC sign is something that doesn't come up for auction very often at all.


Is this a Shakespeare President prototype?


An ABU 2500C DeLuxe is outstanding.


I absolutely adore the British-made Gregory metal lures!


STELLA! STELLA! (I never get tired of that...)


Alcedo Microns are hot as a pistol of late.


The Daiwa Steez is a high end bait caster.


The CCBC Tarpon Pikie is a beautiful lure.


A Heddon Giant Vamp is a superb bait.


A 1932 Michigan fishing license must be a rare bird.


Everett Garrison may very well have made the finest bamboo rods ever.


A Heddon River Runt Spook Floater in R&W Water Wave Everlast Color is a classic 1930s bait.


Moonlight Musky Pikaroon? Yes, please!


A Keeling Expert in the box will make some Fred Keeling collector happy.


Hetzel saltwater jigs are super, super hot of late.


Winter's Weedless Surface Baits are aesthetically beautiful.



Have a great and safe weekend, and be good to each other, and yourself.

-- Dr. Todd