An Australian, a South African and a German walked into a pub in Durban. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Australian pushed his beer away in disgust.
The South African picked the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.
The German, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT SPIT IT OUT!!!"
God, and the devil were each having a holiday in hyper-space. The topic of conversation turned to who could turn out the best football team. Much to the God's surprise the devil proposed a football match to settle their dispute.
As God was leaving he said to the devil, 'Don't you realise that all the 'good' players go to heaven?"
The devil, smiling, responded "Yeah, but we've got all the refs!"
A medical professor had just finished a lecture on the subject of mental health and started to give an oral quiz to the first years. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the senior doctor asked, 'How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?'
A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, 'A World Cup football coach?
A thief who stole a World Cup ticket from a woman's handbag was caught after sitting down to watch the game next to his victim's husband.
The 34-year-old mugged Eva Standmann, 42, as she made her way to the Munich stadium for the Brazil-Australia game at the weekend and discovered the ticket in her bag. He took the woman's place in the stadium where he was met by her husband Berndt, 43, who immediately called security. A Munich police spokesman said, 'The thief found the ticket in the bag and decided to watch the game, not expecting to sit next to his victim's husband, who immediately informed officers on duty at the stadium.'
Car insurance companies in the UK will be pleased if England crash out of the 2010 World Cup in the early stages.
Based on information collated from the 2006 World Cup it appears that England's drivers crash their cars more often on England match days. In 2006 crashes leapt by some 15% generally during the whole tournament. Accident figures when England played against Portugal and lost on penalties rose by over 42%.
At one point during a football (soccer) match in America, the coach said to one of his young players, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?' The little boy nodded in the affirmative. ' Do you understand that what matters is how we play together as a team?' The little boy nodded yes.
'So, 'the coach continued, 'When offside is given, or a foul is not seen, you don't argue or swear or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?' Again the little boy nodded.
'Good, 'said the coach, 'Now go over there and explain it to your mother.'
Robbie, the Scouser, [person born in Liverpool, England], is touring America on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Montana. He's chatting to the barman when he sees an old native American sitting in a corner-complete with full tribal gear, long plaits and wrinkles.
'Who's he?' enquires Robbie.
'That's the Memory Man,' responds the barman. 'He knows everything. He can remember any sporting fact. Go and try him out.'
So Robbie wanders over and asks, 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'
'Liverpool,' replies the Memory Man.
Robbie is flabbergasted.
'Who did they beat?'
'Leeds,' is the reply.' And the score?'
'2-1.'
Amazed but not totally convinced Robbie Dave tries something more specific.
'Who scored the winning goal?'
Without blinking the native American replies, 'Ian St John.'
Robbie, the Liverpudlian returns home and regales his relatives and friends with his tale, and he's determined to return and pay his respects to this amazing man.
Ten years later he has saved enough money and returns to America. After weeks of searching through the towns of Montana, Dave Robbie, the Scouser steps forward, bows and greets the old man in his traditional native tongue, 'How.'
The Memory Man squints at Robbie and says, 'Diving header in the six-yard box.'
It was the World Cup Final dinner and dance held in the evening, after the final. The festivities were in full swing when three newcomers arrived without tickets. 'It's all right,' said one, 'we're friends of the referee.'
'Whoever heard of a referee with three friends?', said the bouncer as he threw them out.
One day in Bavaria, the seven dwarfs went off to work in the salt mine, while Snow White stayed at home as usual to cook their lunch. However, when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully, Snow White shouted down the mine shaft: 'Hello - is anyone there. Can you hear me, Bashful, Doc, Dopey, Happy, Grumpy or Sneezy?' (She knew it would be no good calling Sleepy.)
Then a voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: 'Germany will win the 2010 World Cup'. ' Thank God!' said Snow White, 'at least Dopey's still alive!'
A guy named Paul receives wins tickets to the 2010 FIFA World Cup. Unfortunately, when Paul arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium. About halfway through the first quarter, Paul sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the halfway mark.
He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Paul asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man says "No."
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Paul again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the World Cup and not use it?!"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away."
"Well, that's really sad," said Paul, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."
