Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced."I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I new that he was guilty as sin."
"Sit down," said the judge. "That is the prosecuting attorney."
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered "no."
The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question 'yes', was "why?".
Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it "Never got caught."
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
Person 1: I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.
Person 2: Why do you say that?
Person 1: Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00'.
Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.
"Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how to charge."
A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit."
The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer."
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who decided in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."
God decided to take Satan to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think YOU'RE going to find a lawyer?"
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another,"Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful; second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them; and third, there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
In a cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow - one person was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ---- It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. ...Benjamin Franklin.
An anxious woman goes to her doctor.
"Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
