A man went to see his parish priest for confession.
The man said, "Father, I am very sorry that I stole a dozen pairs of shoes. Can you please forgive me?"
The priest replied, "You have been forgiven. For your penance, say one 'Our Father', one 'Hail Mary' and one 'Glory Be"."Thanks, Father" the man said.
As he was about to walk out of the priest's office, the priest stopped him and said, "By the way, do you have size no. 6?"
Three nuns decided to quit, so they went to see a priest and said, "Father, we don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The priest told them, "Do something that is unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the priest one at a time. The priest said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I drove at 120km/h in a 60km/h zone and the cops caught me." The priest said, "Well, that's sinning, go drink some holy water." When the nun drank the holy water she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.
The second nun walked in and the priest asked, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The priest said, "I guess that will do. Go drink holy water." The nun left after drinking the holy water.
The third nun walked in and the priest asked, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"
Four Catholic women were having tea.
1st woman: “My son is a priest and when he walks into a room, people say “Hi Father”.
2nd woman: “My son is an Archbishop and when he walks into a room, people say “Hi Your Grace”.
3rd woman: “My son is a Cardinal and when he walks into a room, they say “Hi Your Eminence”.
4th woman: “I have got all of you to beat. My son is 6-foot tall, dark and handsome and when he walks into a room , people say 'Oh my God!'”
A woman went to see her parish priest.
"Father, I have two female parrots, and the only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" asks the priest.The woman says, "All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots, Peter and Paul whom I taught to pray, read the Bible and most of the time, they sit at the bottom of their cage, cross their wings and pray. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you very much, Father." the woman says.
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. When she arrived, she saw the priest's two male parrots quietly praying the rosary at the bottom of their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"The two male parrots instantly stopped praying, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot, both parrots toss their rosary beads in the air and and exclaim together, "OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!"
During a Papal audience in the Vatican, a salesman from KFC meets the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he says, "Your Holiness, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread,' to 'give us this day our daily chicken,' KFC will donate $10 million dollars to the Church." The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
"Well," says the KFC man, "We are prepared to donate $50 million to the Church if you change the line from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken' for us." Again the Pope replies, "Impossible."
Finally, the KFC man says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $100 million to the church if you change the line in the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'" and finally the Pope accepted.
After receiving the cheque of $100,000,000 from the KFC man, the Pope calls together all the Cardinals, Bishops, Priests and Deacons of the Vatican for a big meeting the next day and he says, "All right, boys! I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Church."
The Cardinals, Bishops, Priests and Deacons rejoice at the news (cheers, applause, BRAVO! BRAVO!). Then one of the Bishops put up his hand and asks, "Excuse me, Your Holiness, what is the bad news?"
The celebrations stop and the Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
St. Peter has to run an errand. He has been standing guard at the Pearly Gates for 500 years and he really has to go. He asks Jesus, "Hey, look, can you do me a favor? Take over here for a few minutes while I run a quick errand."Jesus says, "But I've never done this before.""It's nothing," says St. Peter. "Here's a pad and a pencil. When people come up, you ask them their name, where they lived, get their occupation and ask them any pertinent questions. If they sound good, let them in. That's all there is to it. I've gotta go." And he runs off.
A few minutes later an old man comes up and Jesus asks him, "What's your name?"The old man says, "In English I think you would say my name is Joseph."
"And what," says Jesus, "was your occupation?""I was a carpenter," says Joseph.
"Okay," says Jesus, writing all this down. He looks carefully at the man, then asks, "Did you have any children?" "Yes," says the man. "I had a son."
Jesus looks at these three answers. Then looks back at the man. He then asks, "Was there anything unusual about your son?""Yes," says the old man. "My son did not come into this world in the usual way. He also had nail holes in his hands and his feet ... "At which point Jesus walks toward the man and says, "Dad?"The old man looks up at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"
It was christmas time and Little Johnny wanted a new bike for christmas. He asked his parents if he could have one and his mum said, "Johnny, bikes are too expensive and we can't afford to buy you one. Why don't you write a letter to Santa and maybe he might give you one." He went to his room and wrote a letter, but he decided to go one step higher.
Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your friend, Johnny
He tore up the letter and took a new piece of paper.
Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Johnny
Well, Johnny tore it up and tried again.
Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Johnny
Then, Johnny tore up the letter for a third time as he had enough of writing. He went for a walk outside and walked as far as he can. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. He entered the church and kneeled down, not knowing what to do. He got up and looked around, and saw the nativity scene at the front of the church. He walked toward the altar where the scene was located and all of a sudden, he snatched the figure of the Virgin Mary and ran out the church door. When Johnny got home, he went to the kitchen where he wrapped the statue in newspapers, dumped it in a shoe box, chucked the box in the furthest corner his wardrobe, locked it and wrote this letter:
Jesus, I've got your mother. If you ever want to see her again, send me a bike. Signed, You know who
