Religious Jokes Part I

A man went to see his parish priest for confession.
The man said, "Father, I am very sorry that I stole a dozen pairs of shoes. Can you please forgive me?"
The priest replied, "You have been forgiven. For your penance, say one 'Our Father', one 'Hail Mary' and one 'Glory Be"."Thanks, Father" the man said.
As he was about to walk out of the priest's office, the priest stopped him and said, "By the way, do you have size no. 6?"

Three nuns decided to quit, so they went to see a priest and said, "Father, we don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The priest told them, "Do something that is unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?"
The next day they went to the priest one at a time. The priest said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I drove at 120km/h in a 60km/h zone and the cops caught me." The priest said, "Well, that's sinning, go drink some holy water." When the nun drank the holy water she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent.
The second nun walked in and the priest asked, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The priest said, "I guess that will do. Go drink holy water." The nun left after drinking the holy water.
The third nun walked in and the priest asked, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"

Four Catholic women were having tea.
1st woman: “My son is a priest and when he walks into a room, people say “Hi Father”.
2nd woman: “My son is an Archbishop and when he walks into a room, people say “Hi Your Grace”.
3rd woman: “My son is a Cardinal and when he walks into a room, they say “Hi Your Eminence”.
4th woman: “I have got all of you to beat. My son is 6-foot tall, dark and handsome and when he walks into a room , people say 'Oh my God!'”

A woman went to see her parish priest.
"Father, I have two female parrots, and the only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" asks the priest.The woman says, "All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots, Peter and Paul whom I taught to pray, read the Bible and most of the time, they sit at the bottom of their cage, cross their wings and pray. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you very much, Father." the woman says.
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. When she arrived, she saw the priest's two male parrots quietly praying the rosary at the bottom of their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"The two male parrots instantly stopped praying, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot, both parrots toss their rosary beads in the air and and exclaim together, "OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!"

During a Papal audience in the Vatican, a salesman from KFC meets the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he says, "Your Holiness, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread,' to 'give us this day our daily chicken,' KFC will donate $10 million dollars to the Church." The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."
"Well," says the KFC man, "We are prepared to donate $50 million to the Church if you change the line from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken' for us." Again the Pope replies, "Impossible."
Finally, the KFC man says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $100 million to the church if you change the line in the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'" and finally the Pope accepted.
After receiving the cheque of $100,000,000 from the KFC man, the Pope calls together all the Cardinals, Bishops, Priests and Deacons of the Vatican for a big meeting the next day and he says, "All right, boys! I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Church."
The Cardinals, Bishops, Priests and Deacons rejoice at the news (cheers, applause, BRAVO! BRAVO!). Then one of the Bishops put up his hand and asks, "Excuse me, Your Holiness, what is the bad news?"
The celebrations stop and the Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."

St. Peter has to run an errand. He has been standing guard at the Pearly Gates for 500 years and he really has to go. He asks Jesus, "Hey, look, can you do me a favor? Take over here for a few minutes while I run a quick errand."Jesus says, "But I've never done this before.""It's nothing," says St. Peter. "Here's a pad and a pencil. When people come up, you ask them their name, where they lived, get their occupation and ask them any pertinent questions. If they sound good, let them in. That's all there is to it. I've gotta go." And he runs off.
A few minutes later an old man comes up and Jesus asks him, "What's your name?"The old man says, "In English I think you would say my name is Joseph."
"And what," says Jesus, "was your occupation?""I was a carpenter," says Joseph.
"Okay," says Jesus, writing all this down. He looks carefully at the man, then asks, "Did you have any children?" "Yes," says the man. "I had a son."
Jesus looks at these three answers. Then looks back at the man. He then asks, "Was there anything unusual about your son?""Yes," says the old man. "My son did not come into this world in the usual way. He also had nail holes in his hands and his feet ... "At which point Jesus walks toward the man and says, "Dad?"The old man looks up at Jesus and says, "Pinocchio?"

It was christmas time and Little Johnny wanted a new bike for christmas. He asked his parents if he could have one and his mum said, "Johnny, bikes are too expensive and we can't afford to buy you one. Why don't you write a letter to Santa and maybe he might give you one." He went to his room and wrote a letter, but he decided to go one step higher.
Dear Jesus, I've been a good boy this year and would appreciate a new bicycle. Your friend, Johnny
He tore up the letter and took a new piece of paper.
Dear Jesus, I've been an OK boy this year and I want a new bicycle. Yours truly, Johnny
Well, Johnny tore it up and tried again.
Dear Jesus, I've thought about being a good boy this year and can I have a bicycle? Johnny
Then, Johnny tore up the letter for a third time as he had enough of writing. He went for a walk outside and walked as far as he can. He finally found himself in front of a Catholic Church. He entered the church and kneeled down, not knowing what to do. He got up and looked around, and saw the nativity scene at the front of the church. He walked toward the altar where the scene was located and all of a sudden, he snatched the figure of the Virgin Mary and ran out the church door. When Johnny got home, he went to the kitchen where he wrapped the statue in newspapers, dumped it in a shoe box, chucked the box in the furthest corner his wardrobe, locked it and wrote this letter:
Jesus, I've got your mother. If you ever want to see her again, send me a bike. Signed, You know who

Religious Jokes Part II

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.
The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the priest decides to make an example of him.
He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."
The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.
Then the priest says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"
The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"

A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled "Who is it?"
And the person ringing the door bell yelled, "I'm the blind man."
So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind.
She opened the door and said, "What do you want?", and the man said, "I'm here to check your blinds."

A Catholic priest was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

An old priest was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the priest would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the priest had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, "Father, why did you ask us to come?"
The old priest mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."

It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple.
One Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale. The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the job.
He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed out back, and began to thin his paint.
It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.
That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed away.
The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?"
A voice came back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no more!"

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.
The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?" The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure, ok."
So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop. "Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"
Finally he remembers, "Amen!!" The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."

"What Is Your Name?" joke

Walking through Chinatown, an English tourist was fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turned a corner and saw a building with the sign, "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry."
"Hans Schmidt?" he wondered. "How does that name fit in Chinatown?"
So he walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking Chinese laundry. He could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the name as there were baseball hats, T-Shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo, "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry." There was also a fair selection of Chinatown souvenirs, indicating that the name alone had brought many tourists into the shop. The Englishman selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office in London. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.
The tourist asked, "Can you tell me how this place got a name like 'Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry'?"
The old man answered, "Ahh... Everybody ask me that question. Is name of owner."
Looking around, the tourist asked, "Who and where is the owner now?"
"He is right here," replied the old man. "I am Hans Schmidt."
"Really? How did you ever get a name like Hans Schmidt, being a Chinese man?"
"Is simple," said the old man. "Many, many year ago when I came to this country from China, I was queueing up at the immigration center, where I was standing behind a German. The lady at the counter looked at the German and said, ‘What is your name?' He said, Hans Schmidt. When it was my turn, she looked at me and said, 'What is your name?' I said, 'Sem Ting.'"